We Swear It's Combat Gear
by knives4cash
Summary: Velvet Scarlatina deals with an onslaught of "combat gear". Hilarity ensues.


Part thirty-four of my RWBY series "Pollination: The Bumblebee and White Rose"

One of these combat suits is not a contest entry. See if you can figure out which one isn't like the other! :D

* * *

"Penny, could you move Blake and Yang's bed over to the corner?" Ruby asks absentmindedly as she rummages behind a collapsible wall for changing clothes.

I stare at the bed. It's standard issue, and they're not so easily moved. "Of course, friend Ruby!" the girl responds with a robotic amount of joy and effortlessly pushes the bed over against the one that Ruby and Weiss share. She immediately calls to Ruby, "Task: Complete!" Gently placing her hands behind her back, she gleams with joy, unblinking.

"Woah." is all I can mutter. "How are you so strong, Penny?" I ask her with genuine curiosity. I'm totally not terrified of the possible answers.

"I am-" She begins.

"Combat ready!" She and Weiss finish simultaneously.

Weiss emerges from the small kitchen area of their dorm room, holding a platter of dip and carrots. "Don't even bother, Velvet." She sighs as she sits down in her folding chair next to mine. "Penny is Penny, and that's all we can accept." She explains as she offers me the platter.

I accept a small carrot and scoop up some of the dip. Ranch. Delicious.

"And Penny is awesome." Ruby declares, emerging from the wall and clasping her hands together with satisfaction. "Now, Penny, I've laid all of the suits in one stack. Just wear 'em as you come across 'em!" She instructs.

Penny salutes her. "I am capable of achieving your desires, friend Ruby!" She gleams and marches behind the wall and begins to change.

"Trust us, Velvet." Ruby grins as she takes her seat on Weiss's left. "We've rented only the best combat gear for you. At least ONE of these suits will suit your fancy!" she informs me as she helps herself to some carrots and dip.

"I really don't know how to thank you two." I confess, hands fidgeting and ears twitching. "How can I ever repay you?" I ask with earnest.

Pausing in between bites, Ruby thinks aloud, "Didn't Yang want a threesome with you and Blake?" Oh my.

"Whenever you're ready, Penny!" Weiss quickly cuts in.

"I am always combat ready!" She answer as she emerges with the first outfit.

It's brown. REALLY brown. The top is a long sleeved, two button coat with a pouch on the right arm. The bottom consists of a brown miniskirt and long, long, REALLY long brown boots. Penny's also wearing a brown cap.

Penny gives a little spin to show off the entirety of the outfit, promoting applause from Ruby. "I love it!" She declares. Peering past Weiss, she looks at me. "What about it, Velvet?"

"Uuum." is all I can really say. "It's very... brown." In my defense, it is VERY brown.

"It's also stylish." Weiss adds. "But it really screams 'train conductor' to me."

"Yes, that's what I was thinking." I immediately declare with a snap of my fingers. Looking to Ruby, I answer, "I don't think it suits me."

Ruby nods. "Sure, sure, you don't like trains. I like trains, but what do I know?" Clapping her hands twice, she instructs, "Next outfit, Penny!"

Penny salutes her. "Yes, friend Ruby!" She immediately retreats behind the wall and begins to change again.

Sighing with relief, I help myself to another carrot. "So, I'm curious about you two." I turn to the two girls and ask, "What's the dating life like?"

Ruby giggles, and Weiss nearly chokes on a carrot.

"Well, for starters, the bed is never cold." Ruby sing-songs as she nuzzles her girlfriend. Hmm, that certainly sounds nice.

Weiss clears her throat. "The bed is also impossible to sleep on, what with all of the snoring, drooling, and spine-crushing cuddling." She counters, trying to suppress a blush.

"Dating makes everything more fun. Sleeping, eating, studying, even bathing!" Ruby picks another carrot and swirls it around in the dip. "I absolutely hated bathing, before I met Weiss." She informs me. I feel like that should be too much information, but this is Ruby Rose. I'm probably being spared the smutty details.

"And yet, you're still dirty." Weiss huffs as she pecks her on the cheek.

Yep, definitely being spared the details.

"I am ready, friend Ruby!" Penny calls out as she rolls out from the wall, arms sticking out at a ninety degree angle.

The top is pink and grey with a bit of white. It's a very fluffy pink skirt. The bosom is white lace. The arms are pink, and the shoulders are grey. The bottom half is a pair of skintight leggings that fade from grey into pink as they get down to... the...

Roller blades.

"I am unable to rotate, friend Ruby." Penny declares with an unwavering smile.

She then falls flat on her face.

"They're retractable skates, Penny!" Weiss quickly informs her. "Just retract them, or something!"

Ruby jumps up to assist the fallen comrade. "The guy at the store said it was all the rage!" She offers meekly as she helps Penny onto her feet. "There's even a speed indicator on the side of the shoes!"

"Yes, because Velvet is going to be stooping down to check her speed while being shot at." Weiss groans. "Honestly, this whole fashion thing is just an economic sham."

She's just now realizing that?

"It's very colorful." I offer in its defense as I take another carrot.

"It'll have red added to the mix when you get blown to bits while stumbling about in it." Weiss scoffs as Penny manages to get behind the wall and starts changing again.

"It had a combat skirt." Ruby mumbles as she takes her seat again.

A what? "Combat skirt?" I ask. I've never heard that term before. How the heck is a skirt made for combat?

"Combat skirts." The two repeat simultaneously as they stare back at me. Weiss holds her right hand out towards Ruby who high-fives it without breaking eye contact.

Why do I always befriend the weird ones?

"I am ready, friend Ruby!" Penny announces as she emerges from the wall for a third time. Thankfully, she walks in proper foot ware. They're knee high red boots.

The bottom is a really, really, REALLY short blue skirt. Seriously, that thing barely covers the crotch. The draft alone could freeze my legs off! The torso is snow white, dotted pink by two massive pink ribbons, one covering the rear and the other laced over the bosom. An equally pink heart trinket holds a small blue cape on the back. Elbow long white gloves cover the arms, and a pink dog collar with a golden heart is strapped around Penny's neck.

The three of us sit in silence as Penny strikes a pose of holding her left arm against her hip and her right arm over her forehead. Oh, look at that. She's wearing earrings.

"That's combat gear?" I manage to croak out.

"I don't think so." Weiss murmurs.

"Penny, did the tag say anything?" Ruby asks.

"In the name of the celestial body that orbits this planet, I shall enact great pain and suffering upon you!" She shouts back.

Weiss actually flinches. "That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard." She groans.

"Oh!" Ruby snaps her fingers. "I remember now! That's the sexy sailor outfit I ordered for-" She falters. "Tonight."

Oh.

The three of us sit in silence. Penny still holds her pose. Weiss keeps looking back and forth between Ruby and Penny.

Her aura flares.

She gets up, placing the tray of carrots and dip in my lap. "Excuse me." She calmly states as she moves her hands to her nose and runs for the bathroom.

Looking down, I see a splotch of red in the white ranch dip.

Ruby leans over. "Great!" She squeals. Looking to me, she explains, "She only gets nosebleeds when the roleplay is REALLY sexy!" She gleams with joy.

"NOPE!"I flip the tray off of my lap and onto the floor, sending the carrots flying and the ranch spilling. "NOPE! Nope! Nope." I declare as I make my way to the door.

"Wait, what?" Ruby asks in confusion. My hand's already on the knob.

"Nope, nope, nope." Is all I repeat. Goodbye, crazy people.

"But what about the other outfits?" She pleads. I hear her coming after me.

"Nope, oya, nda, oda, nde, k'amaj!" I repeat as I slam the door behind me and keep walking down the hallway. I pass by Blake and Yang who appear to be returning to the dorm with brown bags full of groceries.

"Did you just say, 'no,' in six languages?" Blake asks me as I push by her.

"Yep." I curtly reply as I make my way to the stairs. Just get away from the crazy people, Velvet.

I swear, all the weird stuff happens to me.

* * *

Did you guess the Sailor Moon outfit? If you did, yay! You're smart!

If you didn't, you're stupid. No future for you.


End file.
